Asshole N.O.S.

In the mental health field, we use the qualifier "NOS"--meaning "Not Otherwise Specified"-- when we either don't have enough information to issue a firm DSM-IV diagnosis, or when there is something unusual that does not quite fit with the diagnostic criteria for a DSM-IV disorder. (If you are not familiar with the DSM-IV, first congratulate yourself on a wise career choice and then you can  read up on this wonderful  manual that "guides" my profession should you choose.) 


For example, let's say you're having severe mood swings and come to a clinician for assessment. You might get a diagnosis of "Mood Disorder NOS" indicating that you have some sort of mood issue that is causing you distress but that it cannot yet be attributed to a specific condition like Major Depressive Disorder, Bi Polar Disorder, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder.The "NOS" signifies that more information is needed to make a specific diagnosis because we can't yet pinpoint the cause of the mood swings. It let's everybody off the hook re: getting to the bottom of things right this exact minute, which is usually impossible in a first encounter assessment. Generally NOS diagnoses are intended to "expire" after enough time has passed for more information to be assessed, more symptoms to emerge, etc. Sometimes NOS lingers when we just can't put our finger on what's really going on.


But wait! "NOS" has a vastly more relevant and helpful purpose, however, when applied to real life!


 Let me introduce you to a little game I like to call "Asshole NOS." You can play too! It's great for not getting too riled up when the tides of douchebaggery flood your way! Plus, it's free, it reduces conflict, and it significantly reduces the likelihood that you yourself will suddenly act like an asshole. Win-win!


Let's see how it works. Here is an example of an asshole collision in everyday life, with-- you know, just for the sake of this example--my initial internal response. Just hypothetically, of course..

Now, I don't know this guy. I don't know why he's got a Hummer  or why he can't be bothered to drive the additional 13 feet to the parking lot that is empty. I don't yet have enough information to be able to firmly determine the source of this assholery. Maybe this guy is such a dick because his parents were neglectful and weird and his penis is really small so he feels like he always has to prove something. Maybe he is high as a goddamned kite right now and jonesing for feta. How the hell should I know?


 But I ask you, do I need to take this on, get all offended and toxic and vindictive? Nay! Nay, friends, I do not, thanks to Asshole NOS! Let's try it again:

See?? Asshole NOS just saved me 20 minutes of either a) vengefully affecting a disability and possibly escalating this interaction into a full-blown conflict; or b) crankily dwelling aisle to aisle as I perseverate  alternatively on kicking myself for giving him the cart and what I will say next time someone confronts me for feta. Asshole NOS saved the day!


I encourage you to employ the Asshole NOS technique for a few days and see what you think. Make it your own! You can try my other versions, too, like "Annoying as Hell NOS," "Boring NOS," and "Politically Witless NOS." Let me know how it works out. 


Cheers!