Five Ways to Fuck Up an Apology : A Primer

Ah, apologies.

Those pesky little moments of humility and accountability where we get to be all mature and remorseful while every cell in our bodies squirms with awkwardness and shame. Or, alternatively, those moments of great deception when we attempt to get the social currency that comes with vocalizing remorse while internally holding fast to the notion that we are right, goddamnit, and the other person is a moron/asshole/baby or otherwise off-base. Apologies can be an opportunities to grow and to build enhanced connections with people, often taking relationships to a new level:

 Often, though, they are characterized by insincerity, minimization, passive-aggression, or other qualities that negate the value an authentic apology may have held, and in fact can even escalate the conflict or leave the other person feeling worse than if you hadn't "apologized" at all.

You'd think since apologies are so important, we'd all be kick-ass at being sorry. Not so, friends! My personal and professional experience indicates that there is almost nothing we handle more poorly in our interpersonal relationships than apologies. I myself am a perfect example. I mean, I'm a therapist  for christsake, and even I have an embarrassing collection of epically fumbled mea culpas that salt and pepper everything from my romantic relationship resume to my friendships. (Sorry about that, everybody. Really. Totally sorry.)

There are two ingredients needed to make an effective apology: actual feelings of remorse, and the ability to appropriately communicate them. If you're missing the first, then your impending apology is already pretty much dead in the water and I urge you to reconsider even attempting a fakey. In addition to being lame and possibly karmically toxic, it can get you into a Boy Who Cried Wolf territory with the recipient; once they are on to your trickery they never believe any future apologies and usually write you off as a narcissist or a douche. (Maybe you are a narcissist and/or a douche, but I encourage you to at least attempt to function like a more authentic, compassionate human being, even if it feels overwhelming. If nothing else, you'll have more friends.)

Assuming you are actually sorry, now you have to figure out how to say so in a way that is effective. Since many apologies need to happen on the fly--say, mid-argument--you don't really have a lot of time to strategize. It helps if you know some common pitfalls to avoid. And guess who's here to help with that? Me, baby. Me. (No applause, really. You're too much...)

So here you have it, free of charge, right from the Mental Health Professional's mouth:

1. The Equivocal Fakey, aka "I'm sorry, but..."

The EF is one of the most common apology pitfalls out there and occurs when you aren't actually sorry at all. Remember my advice above and try to resist the urge (or the outside pressure) to prematurely apologize, or you risk walking off this plank. The EF is basically a gigantic monster blame bomb you are throwing at the other person, insinuating--if not outright saying--that whatever you're "apologizing" for is their fault.  It's completely inauthentic because what you are really thinking is "I'm not sorry at all. You deserved it because of what you did and I think you owe me the apology. I am still mad and I also don't think I did anything wrong." It can be super-destructive to bust out an EF, and it makes you look like a jerky hothead. Avoid this at all costs because you lose points and then you have to apologize for your apology, which is a real drag.

2. The Condescender

The Condescender is a dark and twisty little bugger that worms its way into apologies from people who are self-righteous, judgmental and/or arrogant. Sadly, the person implementing The Condescender generally earnestly believes they are apologizing. These people often have no idea how patronizing and un-sorry they sound. If you tend to find yourself constantly taking stock of other people's flaws, weaknesses, and limitations and never of your own, you may be prone this one. My suggestion is to stick to a script that only talks about you: "I am really sorry I did/said ______. I know I hurt you." The goal is to emphasize the feeling of remorse for your behavior. Again, it helps to actually feel sorry. It also helps to try to be less of an arrogant prick.


3. Enigmatic Mystery Apology

The EMA--popular in frat houses and other arenas where straight men congregate-- is problematic in that the recipient has no fucking idea what you are talking about.  It's hard to have meaningful repair in a relationship when you're not sure if the person is sorry for shooting your dog that time at hunting camp or for banging your girlfriend down in Cabo last New Year's. Maybe s/he is sorry for taking your Garbage Pail Kids collection in 3rd grade, who the hell knows? The EMA can be particularly confusing when you have done multiple crap-ass things for which you are or should be sorry. The solution here is to be specific: "Dude, I am super-sorry I drank all your beer and then painted your computer screen with White-Out." Once you've been clear, you can go back to non-communicating as usual.

4. The Relapse

Like The Equivocal Fakey, The Relapse also occurs when you are not really sorry and/or not yet calmed down. It is characterized by repeating the behavior you just apologized for. If you do this, you are either devoid of even a minimal level of self-awareness, or you are still angry and amped up for a fight. The Relapse comes in two forms: short-cycle, like the example above, and long-cycle, such as when someone apologizes for cheating on you and then cheats on you again. I'm just going to spell this out so there is no confusion: If you apologize for something, you need to make every effort to avoid ever doing that thing again. Otherwise, you are a shitty person.


5. The Time Bandit

The Time Bandit is the granddaddy of the apology fuck-up. It has the capacity to deal a fatal blow to the relationship. The Time Bandit is an apology given at the absolute most stratospherically inopportune moment possible, when the receiver is either completely unavailable/incapable of responding to the apology or will be forced into responding in a constrained fashion for which s/he will resent you until the end of days. Examples include apologizing for infidelity right before your partner takes the stage to accept an Academy Award and broadcasting your apology on the Jumbo-Tron at the nationally televised play-off game. Ninety-five percent of TB's typically start with a shocking confession at the helm and come from  spineless, sackless, cowardly gits who intentionally chose an inappropriate moment in an attempt to manipulate the recipient into a small reaction,  quick forgiveness, and minimal discussion.  (The other five percent of TB's are made by people who are too socially inept, disoriented or impaired by altered mental status to even have noticed how inappropriate the timing on the apology was. Those folks get a pass, and frankly, should get points for apologizing at all.) If you have considered--or worse, utilized--a Time Bandit,  the only course of action I can recommend is a swift self-flagellation. That, and grow some fucking balls.

So there you have it, friends. Be honest, be specific, avoid blaming, keep assholery to a minimum, and try not to sabotage your recipient with shenanigans that will make them hate your fucking guts.

Happy Tuesday!